American Gladiator Running Diary

It's back baby and maybe even cheesier then ever. After watching last nights 2 hour premier I thought it would be fun to keep a running diary, as the Sports Guy would do, of this unholy reincarnation of American Gladiator. As Wolf would say AOHHHHOOOOOO.

8:00- Did they steal the deal or no deal set, that pyramid looks oddly familiar. Fault number one, no cheesy theme music.

8:01- Calm down Hulk, I swear this guy's had more steroid, I mean B-12 injections, then Vince McMahon.

8:03- On to the first event, the Gauntlet. Some guy who plays with Nuclear Waste, Blue Guy, is going first. Over under on how many times hulk says brother tonight has to be 50.

8:04- Gladiator ready, Contender Ready!! DODGEBALL!!!

8:05- Contestant number 2, Mamma's Boy, Red Guy. Again, Hulk, you're not asking questions your stating facts. First gladiator he has to face is gay gladiator aka Titan. Oooo some injustice from Justice.

8:08- Female contestant 1, Karate Instructor. HELGA is the last stop on the Gauntlet, seriously if I was sweedish I'd be insulted. Where did they find these gladiators? What were they doing before being on this show? I don't think Wolf was hanging out at Ernst and Young doing accounting things...or was he. Did the producers just go to gyms in the middle of the day and see who the unemployed gym all stars were.

8:12- Just saw a preview for Knight Rider. If Hasselhoff doesn't make an appearance Jeff Zucker should lose his job

8:13- Oh hey not Tatiana Ali, you're a good host.

8:14- Ohh A gymnast who lost weight and has something to prove. She's the reverse Shannon Miller...oohh too soon, my sisters would kill me for that joke. She can't get past Helga...no wait, she did. Leading 10-6.

8:16- THE WALL!!! Ohh wait, thats just whatever the red guy is using to stuff his pants. This is one from the original show, an oldie and goodie. DODGEBALL!!! I went rock climbing once, I can't imagine doing it with people chasing me. "The downtown train to waterville" thats how the announcer just described the red guy being pulled out off the wall.

8:23- JOUST!! Red Lady vs Crush (apparently not my high school crush, some guy probably liked her, this announcer is mean and probably likes her) So you lose if you fall in the water in pretty much every competition. They should try something different, like pudding or legos.
Blue lady went to her knees right away and still got wet...I'll let you write that joke. "looks like the medics are gonna need some duct tape to re-attach her head after getting crushed" Come back writers!! This show is proof we need them more then ever.

8:26- And Ohio State is up 7-0 in the Allstate, Tostitos, Pepsi, Maxipads BCS National Championship game. Oh god, President Palmer, it hurts to see you in commercials. President Palmer vs Obama...I'd be torn.

8:30- EARTHQUAKE!! The guys are on a round platform that moves. The object is to push one guy off. Just like Hog wrestling, blue guy has an analogy for everything. Red guy lost again...

8:33- THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!! aka Hang Tough. It's something with rings and getting from one platform to another, over water, and avoiding the other gladiator. Aerial Wrestling as Hulk likes to call it. Ooo I like Venom.

8:36- WOLF!! AOOOOOHHHH! Why does this guy entertain me so much. All he does is howl. I bet the beard isn't even real. Ohh commercial break..is anyone else even remotely interested "In the name of the king" It's like a crappy Gladiator and 300.

8:40- Red guy has to win here or he will face a big disadvantage in the eliminator. Come on Blue Guy, apparently Wolf has a fan club already in a pretaped show that only aired yesterday. Okay I have to admit the take down of Blue guy from Wolf was pretty awesome, he was right on the ledge and couldn't make it.

8:43- ASSAULT! contender has to fire four shots without getting hit the assault riffle that the gladiator is using. Not Tatiana Ali needs writers, she and Hulk should be on one of those adopt a host commercials, for just pennys a day you can pay a scab to write jokes for these two hosts.

8:46- Eliminator!! Blue guy has four second head start. Swim under that fire, climb the cargo net. Red guy is having a little problem with that, apparently be soaking wet makes it hard to climb. I think Kevin McAlister (home alone reference) made this obstacle course or stole his from the original American gladiator. This uphill people mover looks really hard. It's taking them like two minutes to get up there. Wow, big win for red guy, just a shade under four minutes too, alright. Almost a minute and a half more then yesterdays two winners.

8:54- Female Elminator!! Blue lady has seven second lead. You're right Hulk, anything can happen in the Eliminator!! Well blue lady pretty much destroyed the red lady and the guys' times from today. I love how they make both people finish, even though the loser doesn't even have a chance of getting to the final countdown...i mean eight.

8:59- more American Gladiator next week apparently. Well I have to say, it's cheesy, entertaining, but cheesy. It could be worse, it could be WWE RAW!.